Hello Readers! Happy shopping to you all. If you are an over achiever you will probably be sitting back with your feet propped up and laughing at the rest of us who still have tons to do before Christmas. And to that we say “eff you”. In my state of Christmas Grinch-ness I seem to notice more ratards in public around this time of year.(SIDE NOTE: If you live under a rock and do not understand my reference to The Hangover when using the word ratard, then stop reading right now and watch this movie. It is AMAZING.)(SIDE NOTE: My sisters & I unwrapped all of our Christmas presents every year. My mother was a terrible hider and we ALWAYS found the presents. We hate surprises so gifts from Santa were never any fun for us.) This has prompted my new section aptly titled “Dear Blank”. I can not take credit for this idea, I happened to stumble upon a website http://www.dearblankpleaseblank.com/ and thought that I could add a few entries. So here we go:
Dear Salvation Army
Please stop making creepy remarks about what we wear or anything else besides “Merry Christmas” and “Thank You”. We want to at least believe we are donating to a greater cause, not your potential drug use. When you make comments about “Say no to drugs, but give them to me” we start questioning your authenticity.
(SIDE NOTE: I wore a shirt to my local wal-mart that stated, “Friends don’t let friends go to OU” as in
. This bell ringer saw the shirt and mistook it to be a, “Friends don’t let friends do drugs” shirt. After he reads aloud when he believes my shirt to say he then proclaims, “Don’t do drugs, give them to me”. . . . . . Really Salvation Army?!? I swear you can’t make this up!!) Oklahoma University
Dear Family with the 80 small children,
Hooray for your fertileness. I am soo happy that your 80 children believe in Santa. What I am not so happy about is the fact that you are buying their “Santa” presents while they are running around the store like heathens! Haven’t you taught them that Santa is watching at all times? Playing hide and seek in the garden center is not putting them on the good list. If you refuse to watch your children while shopping then it is not my responsibility if I happen to run them over with my cart. It is also totally not my fault if I shout at them when they almost run over me in the store. Please don’t make me be the bad guy and tell them there is No Santa.
(SIDE NOTE: If you still believe in Santa and you are reading my blog then you are TOO old to believe in Santa. Sorry to break it to you. Your parents put all the presents out, ate the cookies, poured out the milk (who would drink milk that has been sitting out all night-GROSSSS) and took a bite out of the apple for Rudolph. But on a happier note, you no longer have to believe in the naughty list.)
Dear Disgruntled College/High School Store Employee,
Thank you for working late hours so that procrastinators like me can finish our shopping. On the other hand, please don’t tell me your sob story about how you have worked 3 WHOLE days in a row. Seriously?! Congrats for putting in a 30 hour work week. I am sure you have tons of more “important” things to do. I apologize that my postponement of shopping has cut into your XBOX live schedule or your beer pong tournament. Just be thankful you have a job and realize that once you leave that sweet deal in the institution called “Higher Education” you will forever be working UNTIL YOU DIE. Please enjoy your sleeping in, late nights and no responsibility while you can. It will all come to an end soon.
Sincerely, The “Real” World
Dear Fake Santas,
Thank you for being such a trooper. You grow your beard out all year long so you can play the perfect Santa. However, if you weren’t so creepy the children may not scream and ruin every picture you take with them. Santa’s do not look like the round faced jolly men that once was. Santas today look like ex-drug addicts who pee themselves to feel the warmth. Malls/Shopping centers, please stop hiring these scary Santas.
Sincerely, Frightened Children
I will leave you with some pics to prove this point! Have a great week.
The Children’s identity has been protected by blurring them out-High Tech Style!! .
Santa: "Ahhh, I'm gonna eat you"
This Santa is petting the child. Weird!
If you have any Santa pics, send them my way! I will add them to the post!