Thursday, December 30, 2010

December has turned into Suckember

Hello Again Readers! I hope you are all having a fabulous week. You may be asking, “Why is December so bad?” Not all Decembers are bad, just this one.  This month I happen to have 2 people moving away. My Sister Jordan is moving to STL and my best Fran Casey is moving to Tehas (Side Note: I am fully Aware that you do not spell Texas with an H, but it is more fun to say). . . Booo!!!

So since they are both leaving me I am dedicating today’s post to them! I will miss them both and I will be depressed at work for a long time! So please hurry and move back! Thanks!
Love Ya!
This is Casey wearing my sunglasses on the way to lunch one day! Haha

Are we driving down the interstate and taking pictures, No Way!!!

Jordan & I on our way to lunch!

Jordan & I at work one day! We love photo sessions!

Pub Crawl 2010 with Jordan & Casey! Jordan is not flipping the camera off, she is giving a peace sign!

Casey teaching me how to do a cartwheel at work. . . He was a terrible teacher-I still can't do a cartwheel!

Lunch Party Take 2! What?!?

Jordan & I, I have no clue where we are in this one though! Haha

I wish you both luck and good times in your new roles. Just know that I will miss you and I lugh you!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Tom’s Shoes

Welcome Readers! I hope everyone had a fantabulous Christmas! I am sure you were mostly good throughout the year so “Santa” was probably good to you. I have a short story to share about my Christmas escapades. I hope you enjoy!
Lilo Loves the Christmas tree. He gets in trouble daily for biting the presents, tearing the ribbons, licking the tape and swatting the ornaments!


Jacob and I had decided to only get each other “stocking stuffers” since we had just made an IKEA trip and kind of went overboard. We have only been in our house for about 8 months so we are still decorating our bare walls and furnishing un-used rooms. Our limit was $100.00. This is a conservative amount, but we literally had bought everything we needed, but mostly wanted a week or so ago. (Side Note: I am the girl who buys things all throughout the year, so I don’t really save anything for Christmas. Remember I hate surprises.) I had picked up on a few of Jacob’s clues of things he wanted/needed for Christmas. For instance, he has been stating that he wants a juicer so he can make his own juices like Whole Foods. Thank you Whole Foods! He also said he was out of body wash and would like a new phone cover. Jacob also made a Christmas list that was an entire page long. I had lots to choose from. Here is a picture of the gifts I bought for Jake.

I on the other hand had only 5 things on my list. Most were well over the $100.00 limit. I wanted a trip to Harry Potter with Amber, a treadmill, a new big digital camera, just to name a few. I wasn’t expecting any of those items on Christmas. So when it came time to open presents I was wondering what they could be. (Side Note: Jacob had purchased these presents Thursday, Dec 23. Nothing like waiting till the last minute, eh?) Here is a picture of my presents.
Before I open the small box this is the conversation that took place:
Jacob: “What do you think it is?”
Lenzie: “Well, it feels like slippers, but I already told you I had a new pair of those, so I really have no clue what it is!”
Jacob: “Well what do you not want it to be?”
Lenzie: “Well, it better not be a pair of Tom’s shoes, or I will kick you in the no-nos!” (Side Note: This was said jokingly as we have had the conversation in the past about how much I loath Tom’s shoes.”
Jacob: --**bethos face**--
Lenzie:--**opens the box containing Tom’s shoes and hysterically starts laughing**--
Lenzie: “I hate these shoes, **more laughing**, Thank You!” (Side Note: There is no use putting on a happy face and telling him that I love the gift when right before I opened the box I professed my hatred for the shoes I never imagined receiving!)
Jacob: “I knew you didn’t like them, but I didn’t think they were that bad and I hoped that they would grow on you.”
Lenzie: “Thank You, but I just don’t like them”
Jacob: “Try them on before you say anything else”
Lenzie: **tries on the shoes that are a little snug, they probably should have been a 7 instead of a 6.5**
Lenzie: “These look like mummy shoes, like someone seriously wrapped their feet with ace bandages.” **the shoes are super itchy and they weren’t that comfortable**
Jacob: “I thought you would like them. They donate a pair of shoes for every pair that is purchased!”
Lenzie: “Do you want to donate these?”

Apparently that was not the response he was looking for and immediately became pouty. Luckily the next present was great and he no longer asked me to guess what it was before opening. I regret my knee jerk reaction of shouting that I hated the shoes, but there was no faking it at that point! Aside from the Funniest Home Video moment we had while opening presents the remainder of Christmas was pretty smooth. I suspect next year he will stick to my list! Haha

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Baby Carlos

Hello again readers! This is a strange occasion since I am posting twice in a week. It is pretty slow this week; therefore I have more time to blog. I don’t think I have mentioned this before, but my older sister is about to have her first baby. His name is Carlos. This, unfortunately, is not his actual name, but instead a name I have given him since his parents haven’t chosen a name yet! So if I refer to Carlos, I am referring to my soon to be birthed nephew.

You see Carlos’ father is Ryan (My sister’s husband). Ryan happens to have a strange sense of humor, thus he fits in well with our family. Ryan has a flare for dressing up in strange and often trashy costumes. I have included a few for your reference.
This is Ryan at a Sugarland concert. We bought this t-shirt that reads "Put the hammer down" complete with boot and big rig truck at a truck stop on the way to the show. . . 

This is Ryan at work one day. He looks strangely familiar to Steve from Blue's Clues!!

This is Ryan at work on a different day. I would turn and look and he would be wearing random things. Weirdo!!

I am writing this post to brag about what I have purchased for Carlos. You see, as you can see from the picture below, Ryan likes to wear a faux fu Manchu.
This is Ryan and his friend Craig at college one day. I believe they were directing traffic on campus. (Side Note: Ryan has given me permission to post this picture.)

 I, unfortunately, believe that this gene will perhaps be passed on to poor baby Carlos. Being the great aunt that I will be I have purchased him a starter fu Manchu from Piquant Designs on Etsy.com.




As you can imagine, I have since been banned from buying him anything. I have big things planned for him. Keep following, I will keep you updated as soon as he arrives! 

Have a great week readers! 

New Pic Alert!
Apparently, Ryan's friend Lee loves Carlos' new pacifier! I hope Kenzie sanitizes it after this!  Hahahah

Monday, December 20, 2010

Monday Madness!!

Hi Readers!! I hope you are not contemplating giving up on all your shopping endeavors. There are only 5 more shopping days! Ahhhhh- Luckily I am done! WooHoo! I am just hoping the wonderful USPS delivers my packages accordingly. So far this year they have been terrible about losing my orders and shipping them right past me! I have some additions for my dear blank post. This pic was sent to me by my brother-in-law Ryan. He spotted this 12 year old Mullet sporting kid at a wal-mart in Indiana. Haha Enjoy!
On a different note, I had an interesting weekend. My cousins Payton & Gracie spent the night with me. Payton is 10 and Gracie is 5. Since I am childless I don’t really have a child friendly house. No stepping stools to see over the counter, no bubble gum flavored toothpaste, but I do have lots of sweets and candy. Strangely enough, Gracie doesn’t eat sweets. She is an odd child, but I love her. She provides me with lots and lots of entertainment. For instance this is a conversation we had this weekend:
Gracie: “Lenzie, why is your house so clean?”
Lenzie: “Because I don’t have kids.”
Gracie: “Yes, Kids are messy.”
Lenzie: “Yes, Kids are messy and if I didn’t have a husband my house would be super clean.”

Here is a Picture of Gracie admiring my awesome mustache on a stick:
You can clearly see that she is a dork!

After a loooong weekend with the girls and some last minute Christmas shopping I can honestly make the following statements:
1.      I am sooo ready for Christmas shopping/parties to be over!
2.      I am sooo not ready for Children!

Please try not to strangle anyone of the last few days of craziness before Christmas. If you find yourself on edge please enjoy the following recipe from FunnySpoon.com. Just imagine hot chocolate, but with ice and alcohol. Enjoy!!
Chocolate Martini Swirl

3 parts Milk
Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup
2 Parts Kahlua Liqueur





1.      Add the Kahlua, milk and 1 tbsp of Hershey’s syrup and a small handful of ice to a blender. Blend until ice is crushed.
2.      Take Hershey’s syrup and swirl around a martini glass and pour in the chocolaty concoction. Top with more chocolate if you lugh Chocolate like me!

Please note: you may need to double or quadruple the amount of Kahlua depending on the number of family get-togethers you are required to attend.
Remember-Please don’t Drink & Drive! Have a great week readers and have a VERY Merry Christmas!!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Dear Blank

Hello Readers! Happy shopping to you all. If you are an over achiever you will probably be sitting back with your feet propped up and laughing at the rest of us who still have tons to do before Christmas. And to that we say “eff you”. In my state of Christmas Grinch-ness I seem to notice more ratards in public around this time of year.(SIDE NOTE: If you live under a rock and do not understand my reference to The Hangover when using the word ratard, then stop reading right now and watch this movie. It is AMAZING.)(SIDE NOTE: My sisters & I unwrapped all of our Christmas presents every year. My mother was a terrible hider and we ALWAYS found the presents. We hate surprises so gifts from Santa were never any fun for us.) This has prompted my new section aptly titled “Dear Blank”. I can not take credit for this idea, I happened to stumble upon a website http://www.dearblankpleaseblank.com/ and thought that I could add a few entries. So here we go:

Dear Salvation Army Bell Ringers,
Please stop making creepy remarks about what we wear or anything else besides “Merry Christmas” and “Thank You”. We want to at least believe we are donating to a greater cause, not your potential drug use. When you make comments about “Say no to drugs, but give them to me” we start questioning your authenticity.  
Sincerely, Me
(SIDE NOTE: I wore a shirt to my local wal-mart that stated, “Friends don’t let friends go to OU” as in Oklahoma University. This bell ringer saw the shirt and mistook it to be a, “Friends don’t let friends do drugs” shirt. After he reads aloud when he believes my shirt to say he then proclaims, “Don’t do drugs, give them to me”. . . . . . Really Salvation Army?!? I swear you can’t make this up!!)

Dear Family with the 80 small children,
Hooray for your fertileness. I am soo happy that your 80 children believe in Santa. What I am not so happy about is the fact that you are buying their “Santa” presents while they are running around the store like heathens! Haven’t you taught them that Santa is watching at all times? Playing hide and seek in the garden center is not putting them on the good list. If you refuse to watch your children while shopping then it is not my responsibility if I happen to run them over with my cart. It is also totally not my fault if I shout at them when they almost run over me in the store. Please don’t make me be the bad guy and tell them there is No Santa.
Sincerely, Me
(SIDE NOTE: If you still believe in Santa and you are reading my blog then you are TOO old to believe in Santa. Sorry to break it to you. Your parents put all the presents out, ate the cookies, poured out the milk (who would drink milk that has been sitting out all night-GROSSSS) and took a bite out of the apple for Rudolph. But on a happier note, you no longer have to believe in the naughty list.)

Dear Disgruntled College/High School Store Employee,
Thank you for working late hours so that procrastinators like me can finish our shopping. On the other hand, please don’t tell me your sob story about how you have worked 3 WHOLE days in a row. Seriously?! Congrats for putting in a 30 hour work week. I am sure you have tons of more “important” things to do. I apologize that my postponement of shopping has cut into your XBOX live schedule or your beer pong tournament. Just be thankful you have a job and realize that once you leave that sweet deal in the institution called “Higher Education” you will forever be working UNTIL YOU DIE. Please enjoy your sleeping in, late nights and no responsibility while you can. It will all come to an end soon.
Sincerely, The “Real” World

And lastly

Dear Fake Santas,
Thank you for being such a trooper. You grow your beard out all year long so you can play the perfect Santa. However, if you weren’t so creepy the children may not scream and ruin every picture you take with them. Santa’s do not look like the round faced jolly men that once was. Santas today look like ex-drug addicts who pee themselves to feel the warmth. Malls/Shopping centers, please stop hiring these scary Santas.
Sincerely, Frightened Children

I will leave you with some pics to prove this point! Have a great week.
The Children’s identity has been protected by blurring them out-High Tech Style!! .
Santa: "Ahhh, I'm gonna eat you"

This Santa is petting the child. Weird!

If you have any Santa pics, send them my way! I will add them to the post!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Words of Wisdom by Lenzie

Hello my wonderful bloggers! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It has been a while since my last post. It was a BUSY 3 weeks. I had the Wicked/Harry Potter extravaganza, which was AMAZING! Wicked was very good and HP was spectacular, as usual. Then Thanksgivings, which happen to be my least favorite holiday, not because of the meaning but more because I really don’t like most of the traditional Thanksgiving fare. I also threw my sister a baby shower for our upcoming Nephew Carlos. (Side Note: His name is not actually Carlos, but they haven’t chosen a name so we thought Carlos would be appropriate.) So I am back to normal, well as normal as I have always been. Although now I just have to worry about Christmas shopping, which I just started doing yesterday. I am WAY behind this year; I am most usually finished by this time every other year. Oh well, I may just gift card it up this year J! Since I am sure most of you are starting to stress about the holidays I thought I would offer you some advice to maybe help your holiday aggression.
Lenzie’s Words of Wisdom: Holiday Edition:
1.      If someone runs into you while shopping without apologizing you have the right to payback the rude shopper. Some examples of possible and approved repayments are as follows:
a.       Follow said shopper around the store and place miscellaneous merchandise into their cart while they are not looking. The more random the items, the better the revenge. (Side Note: Condoms, hemorrhoid cream, adult diapers, gas x, finger puppets, ping pong balls & crayons are all excellent choices.)
b.      Continue bumping carts with the shopper until he/she says something and then say, “Oh, I thought you liked playing bumper carts!”
c.       This last suggestion is only for the meanest of mean offenders. (Side Note: I would NEVER execute this type of punishment, but it should be rather effective.)  Simply stay in front of the shopper for the entire rest of the trip. Block the entire isle so they can't get around. Walk incredibly slowly and in a zig zag fashion. Maybe they will get the hint and stay far far away!
2.      If you find yourself in a duel over the last remaining item and your dueler is not willing to negotiate you have 2 options if you are not willing to bow out of the duel:
a.       Grab the item and run as fast as you can to the checkout counter. Knocking over potential road blocks, such as toilet paper rolls, pencils or marbles may slow your competition down. (Side Note: Trying the “Hey look” trick may help as well.)
b.       If you are certain you will be unable to outrun your fellow dueler the only proper way to proceed is to determine the victor by a game of paper, scissor, rock. I happen to like best out of 5.         
                                                              i.      Should your dueler be a poor sport, simply shout, as loud as you can, “Stranger Danger” and collect your merchandise once the dueler is embarrassed and make your way to the check out.
3.      Holidays should not be just a time to shop. This is prime people watching people!!! You will see things you questioned ever existing. Instead of giving you written examples I will show you some of the sites I have seen on my recent trips! Please feel free to send me your pics of the wonders you spot while shopping and I will add them to this post. Also note that not all wonders have to be bad, some are just sooo great you need proof that you witnessed it!
                                                              i.      Please Remember- While photographing live subjects please make sure your camera/phone is on silent so you can be as inconspicuous as possible. Enjoy!!
Saw this at the mall. Loved this! I am also sure my Yorkie is smarter than most honor students!

Barbie lost her car at Hobby Lobby! How fun would this be to drive?

Saw this at the mall in St. Louis, MO. Thought it was rather interesting that Michael Jackson, Kanye West & Barack Obama were all painted for the "Achievement & Hope" Campaign. I will leave it at that!

Haha Jordan thought she needed pushed at Wal-Mart when she didn't feel well!

I spotted this car and laughed out loud. Whatever it was hauling would flop up and down. I caught it when the car was stopping so it was up!

Scary Mannequins at Dillard's. I thought for a second I was in some cheesy horror flick about man eating naked mannequins.

Only in Arklahoma will you find this rare type of mullet. This mullet consists of an entirely shaved head except for the thin layer of hair at the back. Now only if it had been braided...

Saw these ladies at wal-mart. Never acceptable to wear house shoes into a public place. Especially not winter booties with booty shorts, What the heck?!

This car is CLASSY! The back bumper was adorned with faux Louis Vuitton emblems. Banana!! (Side Note: My iPhone corrects bahaha to Banana, so naturally I have just started saying Banana)

My sister spotted this car stache and sent it to me! This car is 100% cooler with the stache!!

I saw this nice ride at wal-mart. Pimped out 1980's Lincoln town car with 20's. NICE!! I wouldn't be surprised if it had scissor doors as well!!

Well Folks, I hope this has perhaps brightened your day. Remember to keep your cameras ready, for you are sure to see some magical things while Christmas shopping this year! Have a great Week!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Jordan to the Rescue

For those who read my post about Mexican Fighting Bulls you will have read that Jordan (my little sister) had pulled me from the wrath of the bull to safety. This is not the first time my little sister has had to come to my rescue. There will probably be many more times as well.
One Sunday morning, about 6 years ago, I was getting ready for church. I am most usually running late for everything so this was par for the course. I was rushing around trying to get in the shower. I grabbed my towel from my vanity stool (SIDE NOTE: This stool was solid wood. It was actually a bar stool with the legs cut down to fit under the counter- country engineering at its finest!) As my towel was flying off the stool it had wrapped around the seat and pulled the stool down as well. This brought the stool down onto my left foot, more specifically my pinky toe and the toe directly beside it. This immediately forced some not nice words out of my mouth, promptly followed by an immediate nauseous feeling and some possible tears.
I thought it would be proficient to sit on the stool and gather myself before moving or swearing anymore. I was trying not to hysterically cry and/or puke. I have never broken anything or even been injured or had any surgeries so that feeling was pretty new to me. I then figured that if I was not going to cry, puke or die that I had better continue getting ready for church as I was now completely late. I continued on to the shower. We have small seats in our shower and I was still feeling nauseous so I sat down for a minute. Jordan had just awoken from her slumber and had walked in to find me sitting on the bench with the shower door open to let the cool air inside. After she asked “What are you doing?!?” I had explained about the Satan stool and my poor crushed toes. I continued showering as now I was so late it was almost useless even trying to make it to church, but I was determined to make it there.
This next part is where it gets a little fuzzy to me. At one minute I was reaching up to get my shampoo and the next minute I was laying naked outside in the hall and Jordan was on the phone yelling. Apparently I had passed out in the shower. Jordan was luckily still in the bathroom when this happened and heard a large “THUMP” which was me hitting the shower floor. She ran over to the shower and opened the door and yelled “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” To this, I am not sure that I answered. She managed to lug me out of the shower and semi-wrap me in a towel and then proceeded to call my parents, whom were at an auction and they did not hear their phone. She then had called our older sister, Kenzie, who luckily answered the phone. She had hurriedly explained the situation and asked what she should do. Kenzie’s first question was, “Well, did you turn the water off?” This was in response to her apparent concern for the possibility of me drowning. Jordan assured her that I was not able to drown since I was currently lying in our hallway in a towel. Once I finally came around, about 15 minutes later, Jordan had filled me in on the entire story, since I was apparently a little out of it while this whole ordeal was taking place. My poor pinky toe was surely broken as it was already swollen and purple. I was pretty whiney and pouty about the broken toe for a little while. We eventually laughed about my near death experience and I have yet to hear the end of the teasing about when Jordan had to save my life because of my broken toe!
Haha

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Who Doesn't Love Cupcakes?!?

Hello my faithful followers! Well since I have a pretty great group of followers I have decided it is time for a giveaway!!! WOOHOO!! That is right! A GIVEAWAY!! I have recently discovered an amazing Blogger/Baker named Jill. Her blog name is Stay Calm, Have a Cupcake. Here is her site address: http://fontgirl.wordpress.com/  She also has an Etsy store. That is how I originally found her. Once I started reading her blog I just fell in love. I mean, who wouldn’t want to blog and bake cupcakes all day? I know I would! So before I start going on and on and on about my love of cupcakes I will explain how to enter to win your VERY OWN CUPCAKE KIT from Stay Calm, Have a Cupcake! Get Excited, I know I am!! To enter the contest: simply post a comment on this post stating your favorite flavor of cupcake and become a follower, if you aren’t already. A winner will be chosen and announced on Monday, November 22! Good Luck my fellow cupcake lovers!

I thought I would give you a list of a few reasons why Cupcakes kick other desserts’ hiney!
1. Cupcakes are miniatures! I LOVE Miniatures! By reducing the size of an item it automatically makes it cuter and more delicious! Maybe because you know there is less to go around, so you enjoy it a little more!
2. Cupcakes take you back to being a kid. When you didn’t care if you had icing all over your face and that you don’t need a stinkin’ fork to devour this delish treat!
3. Cupcakes are very customizable. You can make any flavor and any icing combination. The possibilities are endless. But I know what you are saying, “You can make cakes & cookies in any flavor, right?” Well that is right, but cakes & cookies don’t come in a totally cute cupcake wrapper! They have all different kinds. I have dinosaur ones at home!  Woot Woot!
4. Cupcakes are portable! You can take a cupcake ANYWHERE! Can you carry a cheesecake outside? NO! You can’t! Can you eat a cake while driving? No, no you can’t without making a mess. (SIDE NOTE:  Jordan- please do not try this as your driving record is not very good as it is.- Love you!)
5. Since cupcakes are so tiny, you can eat more and not feel as bad about yourself. I guess we feel less judged if we eat cupcakes rather than a slice of cake. (SIDE NOTE: All you calorie counters out there leave this one alone! If we want to eat 5 cupcakes and feel better than if we ate a slice of cake it is totally fine-just this once.)

If you still do not lugh cupcakes and my reasons did not tug at your heart-strings, well then I apologize. And maybe one day you will grow to love the miniature cakes as I do!
Remember: Winner will be announced Monday, November 22!!!

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner: Kenzie has won the cupcake giveaway! Yay Kenzie!
**Winner was chosen randomly using: http://textmechanic.com/Random-Line-Picker.html**
 

Friday, November 12, 2010

Yay For The Weekend!!

Guess what readers?!? Only 6 more days until Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows reaches theatres in the US! Woo Hoo!  Not only will that be a FANTASTIC day because of HP, but my best fran Amber also got us tickets to see WICKED the 18th!! Soooo that means Wicked and then HP! Does it get any better than that?!? Well perhaps if Breaking Dawn followed HP, then it would be better, but it is pretty flippin’ AWESOME nonetheless!!
I can’t imagine not loving Harry Potter. I feel that it grew up with our generation! In fact, I would still lugh to go to Hogwarts. . . Unfortunately, I am past the age of acceptance and it is a fictional place, but whatev. I still have 2 more HP movies to enjoy and countless re-reads of the books to keep me going. Also, GET EXCITED, we are going to the HP Theme Park in Orlando! I am hoping for the springtime! Amber- You in??
On to the real post. . .

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thankful Thursdays!

Happy Veterans Day Readers!
This will be a short and sweet post. Instead of a crazy story about Jacob’s silly escapades or my near death experiences, I thought I would write a short note of gratitude to our wonderful service men & women.
Service Men & Women,
Thank you so very much for your bravery and your service. We are lucky to live in a Nation where so many wonderful men & women choose to protect the freedoms we, so often, take for granted! Thank you again! God Bless and Keep You Safe!!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Mexican Fighting Bulls

If this is your first time reading my blog, you may not know that I am from Oklahoma and raised on a ranch (my family has cows). Now my father, bless his heart, had three daughters. Of the three of us, I am the one who is the most girly! I don’t like to get dirty, go outside, sweat and I especially don’t like to be around cow poo. Since there are only girls in our family we were still expected to help with the cows on occasion. By “help with the cows” I mean help sort and run them through the cattle shoot to be vaccinated, de-horned and castrated. Working cows for us usually consisted of my sisters throwing cow poo at me and us all dodging the flying cow no-nos that my dad would throw over his shoulder once they were cut off (GROSS, I know!).

One damp and dreary April day (Good Friday to be exact) we had to help work cows. Since our older sister had moved to Indiana, good help was scarce and that meant that I had to help. We had received a lot of rain in the preceding weeks and the corral was crazy muddy. Now imagine tons of mud mixed with cow poo-Yuck! I had made the decision to at least look somewhat fashionable (as fashionable as one in rural Oklahoma can be) on this particular morning. I wanted to wear my awesome hot pink rain boots since we would be sloshing through much and yuck.

My boots looked somewhat like this. A little brighter but not as cool as these.

The cow moving had been going well. Jordan (my sister) and I had been sorting the cows and pushing them through the cattle shoot when we were prompted by dad to send some more down. My dad was giving the cows immunizations and cutting the bulls that were too big to be banded. My mom was being the truck beyotch. This means you have to run back and forth to bring dad whatever he needs. We all call not it at that job, because you have the greatest possibility of being hit by a flying testicle.

If you don’t understand the lingo I will provide a short learning opportunity. (When boy cows are not going to be kept as breeding bulls they have to get rid of their oompa loompas so that they don’t get mean and aggressive. Most cows are banded, where a rubber band is placed around the no-nos until they fall off, when they are little. If there is a boy cow that was a little older and missed being banded they have to get cut. I am guessing you know that if they get “cut” they actually get their hoo-hoos cut off with a scalpel. It is a little sad, but necessary. Please don’t write me about cruelty to animals. I love all animals, but not really cows as you will soon learn why).

The herd was winding down to the last 10-15 cows. (Side Note: Our neighbor had a big bull get loose and he was mixed in with our cows. This bull did NOT like being in the corral. He could literally clear a 4 foot fence). We were left with our neighbor’s big bull, which we were holding until they could come and pick him up, about 8 small calves and a few other mid sized calves. We had finally sorted out the smaller baby cows and were left with just 3 mid sized calves and the big bull. There was 1 cow in particular, a red with a white faced Hereford, who was VERY skittish all day.
Please note that this is not the actual bull, but what I imagine him to look like in my head.

Please note that this is not the actual bull, but what he probably looked like in real life.

He kept trying to get out of the corral and didn’t want to go through the shoot. We had moved them from 1 part of the corral into another small holding pin that led into the shoot. In the commotion of the last move the white faced Hereford had knocked over a 4x4 fence post.

The post looks a little something like this. I remember it as being a lot bigger.

As I was in the pin that was now empty, I felt the urge to move the post and close the gate so that the cows couldn’t get back into the pin they had just left. As I bent down to pick up the post the red Hereford charged at me. I was about half the distance from either side of the pin and I am not in the type of shape to be running and get away from a bull. My only option was to put the post between the bull and myself and hope to scare it by making it think I was perhaps a tree. My bluff failed miserably! The bull hit the post, which in turn hit me right on the forehead. I was thrown back about 6-7 feet and landed on my back. Luckily my little sister was there to save me and pick me up so that I could not get trampled.
Once I have regained my control I started sobbing profusely. Not because of the fact that I ALMOST just died, but because I now had a rather large egg on my forehead and I had cow poo on me.

I should have taken a side portrait so you could see how large it really was. I was also red faced from crying and pouting.  

After that incident I was confined to the tailgate of the truck as I was useless for the remainder of the cow working escapade. Luckily there were only a few cows, including my new white faced Hereford friend. The crazy cow was the last to be worked. After he was cut he refused to stand up in the shoot. He was probably exhausted from his human killing rampage he had just endured. Once this cow finally stood up and was released from the shoot he turned and ran after my dad. My dad is seriously one of the toughest men I have ever met. The cow danced with him for a bit before determining that that target would not go down easily. This is the precise moment that my old friend recognized me sitting on the tailgate of the truck. One look at me and he charged AGAIN. I had stood up in the back of the truck when I saw him coming and he ran smack into the tailgate. This only upset him more and he then charged my mother who was standing on the side of the truck. My mom was trying to climb into the truck, but for some reason her legs were not moving as fast as she thought they were. She made a few small bunny hops and the cow charged her bum a few times before he just ran off.
 
He turned and looked at us like this before running off. EVIL COW!

By this point I am hysterical. This cow had tried to kill me, not one, but twice. I had determined that this bull was a Mexican fighting bull and he was attracted to my hot pink rain boots. I was promised by my father that this cow would be going to the sale yard ASAP. Once I was carted back to the house and I was pouting on the couch I remembered about Natasha Richardson. The English born actress who had bumped her head while skiing and then later died from an epidural hematoma due to blunt impact to the head. So now I thought I was going to die. I was going to die from working cows! I had a minor panic attack and was later soothed after speaking to Jake (my precious husband who is a pharmacist). He assured that I did not have a concussion and that I would be fine, well as fine as someone can be with an egg on their forehead. I guess it was only fitting for an Easter celebration to show my spirit with an egg on the head. I have not worked cows since that day! Haha
This was about 2 weeks after the incident. I had a nice shade of purple eye shadow and some bruising still on my forehead.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

6 Reasons That I Am NOT Ready For Kids

Please note that the reason behind this post is not to “bash” anyone with children. I happen to like children and can see myself as a mother, just not anytime in the near future. This post stems from a relentless stream of the following questions: When are you going to have children? Don’t you want children? Don’t you think that you are getting older and it is time to have children? These questions, although highly annoying, are also RUDE. I don’t ask you when you plan on joining the gym or if you have had your yearly mammogram, because it is personal and NONE of my business. Although I try to resist the answer that comes to my head first which is “Why don’t you shut the flip up?” I just smile and answer “When I am 30”. Why 30? Well it seems like a good age to take the next step. I may decide that I am ready when I am 26 and a half or 28, but when I tell people 30 it should give me at least 4 years until I am asked again. I don’t think women should have to defend themselves when they say that they are not ready for children. If you have an issue with me not wanting children at this moment in my life, well I think you don’t deserve to be included in my life.Trust us, when we decide to get preggo and we feel that it is time to share the news, we will definitely let you all know!
Now on to the Countdown:

6. I want to go to the Harry Potter Theme Park! Who wants to take a baby to see Hogwarts? Not me!! I want to dress in my Hermione cloak and carry a wand without smelling of spit up or carrying a child in a backpack or stroller. I guess this means that I may be too immature for children. I am sure there will be a time in my life (maybe) that I would rather push a stroller around a park instead of dressing as a wizard, but that time is not now.
5. The sound of crying babies makes we want to pull my hair out. Seriously! I would vote for legislation requiring people to take crying babies in restaurants, stores and other close quartered environments outside until they have reached an acceptable noise level. Now please don’t get me wrong. I am not talking about Mickey D’s here. But when I go to a nice restaurant I expect the environment to be pleasant and clean. Hearing a wailing baby and seeing a child throw goldfish crackers all over the place does not sound like an enjoyable night out!
4. I am selfish! It is as simple as that. I don’t want to have to worry about taking care of another human being. I want ME time. And after that time is shared with my husband and my family and my friends the rest belongs SOLELY to me. Whether I want to hang in my PJs and veg out all day or head to an afternoon matinee to see a movie. I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself and I like it that way.
3. I happen to have a very sensitive puke sensor. This sensor includes spit up as well as puke. I know what mothers say (except for my own mother who can NOT be within a 100 ft radius of puke or she will gag), “It is different when it is your own child”. Well I am happy for you that you can be covered in your child’s excrement and still be as happy as a clam. I choose to not be covered in baby puke, or anyone’s puke for that matter, for a long while.
2. I still feel young! I am only 26. I don’t feel my “biological clock” ticking away. I don’t feel there is a rush to get impregnated. I just don’t feel that motherly instinct yet. Women have children well into their 30’s and everything is fine. I do not feel that being 40 compared to 45 when your child graduates from HS will make that big of a difference.
1. I LOVE TO SLEEP. Sleep is probably one of my favorite things. I am one of those people who require 8+ hours of sleep at night and the 9+ hours on the weekend. Without this much sleep I tend to get cranky, sick and irritable. When you have kids it is impossible to get that much sleep. Until I require less sleep, I can’t imagine having children.

I hope this clarifies my reasons for not wanting to have children at this moment in time! Once again, I do want to have children sometime, just not now!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Top 10 Reasons You Should Own a Fake Moustache

  1. Everyone has tried a bubble bath beard or stache at some point in their lives. Why not take the next step and get one that looks real?!
  2. Fake moustaches are less permanent than fingerstaches. Although fingerstaches are pretty bad and I may secretly want one or two. . .
  3. Who doesn’t need a handy disguise at some point? Have you ever tried to use a coupon twice in one visit? Well now you can, since you will be unrecognizable with your handy fake moustache.
  4. Roadside humor is always appreciated. Can you imagine the look on the lady’s face at the drive through window when you pull to the window with a fu Manchu and you are a girl? PRICELESS!!
  5. Although this theory has yet to be tested, but I would imagine that it would work. What police officer would give a ticket to someone with a fake stache? I am pretty sure it will spur some Super Trooper or Reno 911 comments, thus making the officer forget the reason you were pulled over in the first place. This could save you lots of money! (Side Note: I am NOT responsible if you happen to get a ticket or perhaps taken to “the big house”).
  6. Who doesn’t need a hobby? Making fake mustaches are simple and entertaining. It has to be better than watching soap operas, right??
    1. Hobby Lobby has felt that has a sticky back. Simply print a template from the internet; there are tons of sites offering free templates. Trace the design with a sharpie and cut out with a sharp pair of scissors. This can then he adhered directly to your skin or to a wooden dowel for a classier look.
    Finished Product!
  7. A fake stache will allow you to look older therefore allowing you do more “grown-up” things, for instance; Get into Rated R movies, Get off the carpet path in Vegas, Get into a bar and last, but definitely not least, be able to buy correction fluid without someone thinking you are a “huffer”.
  8. Opposite of a pick up line. When you are having a girls night out and don’t want to bothered by lame pick up lines and lame boys, just wear your fake stache and this will deter any and all compliments headed your way.
  9. Use your stache as a nice let down to your husband or boyfriend. If you are not feeling “in the mood” and your significant other wants to get frisky all you have to do is wear the stache. The thought of kissing a bearded lady should signal a gag reflex from any guy and deter any advancements. (Side Note: This excuse should not exclusively be used or its effectiveness will diminish. Rotate the ‘I Have a Headache’, the ‘I’m too Tired’ and the ‘I Just Want to Snuggle’ excuses for best results.)
  10. Great Photo Ops. Instead of a description, I will just show you how fun these are!
  11. No one knows it is me when I am driving!
    Even boys can wear them! Huh Jake?
    This is my best fran Amber. I made her this stache!
    I tried Amber's stache before I sent it to her.
    Jordan's Fu Manchu
    Jordan's Sharpie Fingerstache. (Side Note: These only look good for about 3 minutes. After that they just become a smere of purple)
    My Fingerstache. Classy!
    Jordan in her fort at work with her fake stache!